Published by Really, Really, Really Random House Books
Burples and his friends are at the entrance to the haunted house, and the door is locked with a rusty chain and padlock. As the gematria leader of the group do you, the mighty Burples does which?
1). 105 go to page 43
2). 113 go to page 64
3). 280 go to page 17
4). 154 go to page 59
Page 43
Burples decides to BREAK THE CHAIN = 105. The angry spirits inside the house are agitated. Their leader, a former powerful witch skilled in gematria chooses to interpret BREAK THE CHAIN as “break the chain of command” and promotes the incompetent nitwit Doofie to be the new leader. Doofie decides to pick 63. Go to page 59.
Page 64
Burples decides to PICK THE LOCK = 113. This is the number of dishonesty, DISHONEST = 113. Yet, in the Caps added cipher Truth = 113 and in ordinal VERACIOUS = 113, etc…. The lock refuses to budge. Go to page 59.
Page 17
Burples uses his ability of breaking the rules to choose ENTER THROUGH THE WINDOW = 280. Nobody said anything about any fucking window. The angry spirits swarm from inside the haunted house and dismember the group in a hideous manner. But this was just a bad dream, a false image. You have now learned that it’s not ok to be wrong, but you’re not very bright. A fact obvious because you’re trying to use gematria to enter a haunted house instead of something more productive. Go to page 59.
Page 59
Why exactly are you here? Did you get redirected from another choice or did you pick option 4 on the first page? I mean, seriously, it’s like you’re dead set on reaching this page and what your expectations truly are is a mystery. 154 could mean STAY ON PORCH. After the window fiasco you shouldn’t try that again. Is there really a porch here? You could STAY ON THE PORCH. Or THIS porch. Or the stoop. STAY HERE. Maybe instead of just staying here jerking off and fiddling around with meaningless numbers that could mean anything you should go to page 92.
Page 92
Hint book for sale - $5,999 and being the laughingstock of your school and the disapproval of your family and former friends.
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There are games that follow the same basic rules that get more difficult as you solve the puzzles. Tetris gets faster. Legend of Zelda has tougher monsters later. And there are well thought out computer games like the old LucasArts games (Monkey Island, Indiana Jones) where there is one correct final solution, but you can make some personal choices along the way that alter the story a bit. But there is only one final solution.
The gematria game has no ending. You can go to a Trump rally or buy into a sports betting Patreon, but you’ll never get to the point where you get off the porch and inside the haunted house. The best approach is to consider why you even want to be in the haunted house in the first place. That, followed closely by how much time it takes you to realize that you’re predicting that there’s an ending or final solution that requires staying on the porch for an infinite amount of time.
The gematria adventure also drags down the quality of life of others around you. The useless Trump swag is pricey. The gambling profits are nonexistent and require lying your way through the chat to avoid embarrassment, and it’s a safe bet if you’re invested in gematria topics you are less likely to have a decent job. Heck, there are gematria gurus that literally beg for money every few weeks with content that amounts to “stay on the porch for more depression”. It’s not just the direct money. It’s a huge waste of TIME.
Get off the porch, now.
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