In the most recent post on Mindless Freaks mention was made about how "all this 45 stuff keeps coming up." None of the top notch numerology experts mention how the numbers got there in the first place. Well, me and my crack research team (me and the dog), at great personal expense purchased the contents of Al Capone's vault from Geraldo Rivera on eBay for $1.95 plus shipping and we have the answers! There is a pantheon of cosmic entities that hide numbers. So secretive that they are only mentioned in the darkest corners of WalMart Housewares and children's birthday parties.
The ruler of Gematrandia is Twelvinchus. He isn't terribly active preferring to delegate to his fellow cosmic entities according to their specialties.
The gematriarch and wife of Twelvinchus is the mother of the rest of the entities. She is known as She Who Has No Name. Which doesn't make any sense since that is a name. This does explain why Nopenny is her favorite son. She had been birthing new entities from giant ostrich eggs until eggs and other breakfast fare were banished after the Great Digit Wars. Her last great achievement was creation of bacon, which is good anytime not just breakfast. She now spends most of her time eating bonbons and watching reruns on the Cartoon Network and Fox.
Artemis Gordon is the god of the hunt. And the peck. Most notable achievement is creation of the typewriter and computer keyboard. During the Great Digit Wars he was seen driving his pewter chariot powered by four enormous house cats. After corralling the Computer Mice at the Battle of West James he retired and now watches reruns of Wild Wild West.
Boghus, the god of fertility wanted to be called Bacchus but was nailed by a copyright infringement suit. In order to avoid a cross pantheon war he accepted the more appropriate name he goes by now. He remains quite active to this day creating multiple numbers from a single source. He was temporarily bound in logic chains after the Great Digit Wars. He broke free after his captors' minds exploded while he explained in a deadpan monotone how 45=13=116=911=32=166=7, etc....
McGoohanzeelbub is the dark lord of the underworld. McG has three heads and is associated with three sixes, 666. There are two layers to the
Gematrandian underworld. The top layer called The Village where good souls retire to. But after leading the Cosine Alliance in the Digit Wars McG was banished to the lower underworld called Beckinsale. Here he sits on a throne made of fried chicken bones and gold slippers in a tower higher than the height of the heavens above with his lieutenant Nopenny, plotting revenge and dealing with all the truly evil things like Justin Bieber, lampreys and telemarketers.
Nopenny is responsible for all things that make no cents. Chief instigator of the Digit Wars he brought to a head the argument over exactly who presided over lampreys. Dolphinus as lord of water by default, McG as lord of evil things, Gordon as the huntmaster since lampreys hunt for food, and several minor entities all laid claim. Nobody was willing to compromise and come to an agreement on which gematria numbering system was to be used for lampreys. Hostilities broke out and culminated in the Siege of Miami. After the near extinction of lampreys the war was declared a draw. However, for his part Nopenny was exiled to Beckinsale until his sentence was commuted following an impassioned, drunken oration by Raw.
Raw is the god of war. Paradoxically the only god not to be a part of the Great Digit Wars. (He had been on a drunken bender and forgot to set his alarm.) His greatest contribution is his award winning speech that ended what was to have been the eternal exile of Nopenny. Key parts of the speech included how he wields a spear with three shafts and one head, Donald Trump would one day become President of the United States and gematria in general makes no sense. It was agreed that making no sense was essential or the entire worship infrastructure would collapse and they'd all be out of jobs.
Dolphinus is the god if sports statistics, particularly the Miami Dolphins. Before the Dolphins were created he got really bored without much to do. So when the opportunity to claim lampreys under his dominion arise and was about to be taken away he threw a massive hissy fit and the Great Digit Wars began. Escaping severe punishment like McG and Nopenny he bided his time until football was invented, nursing the lamprey population back to healthy numbers. Now that football is here he's been quite a busy beaver and often can be seen in disguise attending Oregon State games, Dan Marino motivational speeches and as an extra in sports celebrity testimonial commercials. He wields a magical trident and helped Lymphoma escape the same fate as Pious.
Pious is the god of real math and especially geometry. The only god not to have been hatched from an egg laid by She Who Has No Name. Instead he sprung forth from a magic acorn, looked in a mirror and exclaimed, "Gee I'm a tree!!". Since She Who Has No Name doesn't make any sense and real math does make sense it was agreed there was no room for Pious in the pantheon. Pious and Lymphoma were sentence to exile in the impossibly tall tower that doesn't make any sense. Eventually growing tired of his whining McG and Nopenny defenestrated him from the top most window to spend eternity falling ad screaming, "It doesn't make any sennnnnnnnsssssseeeee!!!!!!"
Lymphoma is the goddess of compassion and decency, promoting consideration of others feelings and not making a mockery of things like cancer. She eventually gave birth to a half human child, Cindy, who went on to be a multiple day Jeopardy! champion. An identical twin of Pious from a different father born exactly Pi seconds later, the other cosmic entities were not sure what to do. A strange combination of things that make sense and don't make sense. After being sentenced to the impossibly tall underworld tower she was moved to the Calculus tower near the twin cities of Tangentia and Cosecantus. Since calculus is calcified plaque Dolphinus (enamored by Lymphoma's innocence and sweetness), freed her with his trident on the recommendation of four out of five dentists. McG is rumored to be plotting some sort of revenge and may be responsible for the artificial sweetener Xylitol being carcinogenic.
Holly Wood is the wife of Dolphinus and in charge of all television and film including commercials. She's particularly fond of her "Where's the beef?" lady. She is suspected of hiring a private eye to keep tabs on the possible liason between her husband and Lymphoma. It's said that the producers are still haggling over who will play the lead, how many episodes there will be and if chewing gum commercials will be allowed to be aired. She's keeping busy with endless sucky remakes of originally sucky movies.
Conesandrods is a minor deity but worth a mention. Somebody had to pick colors for the grass and police uniforms and stuff. Numbers must be hidden everywhere.
Whoreshew is the god of arbitration. Fearful of a second Digit Wars a mediator is necessary to keep the peace. His most notable rulings are Pi=22/7 and 116=166 are "close enough."
Lokey is the trickster, the god of chaos and deceit. He is the 'cleaner' sent to cover up major events to make them hoaxes. Extremely powerful and deceptive nobody trusts him. His most favorite work is causing Cindy to die of cancer and making it look like a hoax. His best work is measured in the irony. He stands most to gain from a second Digit War. That is, if the first one really happened. (?)
Jenna Coleman is the goddess of beauty. Not terribly well liked among her pantheon mates. All she asks is that numerologists leave Doctor Who alone. Since she's so sweet and drop dead gorgeous Whoreshews ruled that this would be so. She also dislikes Cindy in a catty fashion. Often seen gossiping with Holly, probably about Cindy.
That's most of the major ones. I may return with more after further research.
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