Need to unwind after a long day of manufacturing any number you want? Not ready to start binge drinking and binge conspiracizingation? You should wait until at least 7:00pm so you don’t get too hammered. And no fair using the excuse that it’s after 7pm in another time zone. You can stock up on items for re-creation, or in the slang vernacular of truthers have your man/woman/tranny cave called the Wreck Room ready to go with some fun stuff. Or at least get a little exercise. So break out the barstools and stained glass fluorescent lights.
First of all, no home theater. TV and movies are made for gematria, it’s time to take a break from that. You’ll just end up watching Family Guy or the Simpsons and go right back to work. Yet you still want to have something familiar to fall back on. You can still embrace some things you can identify with. A lot of these require an opponent. We know you don’t have a lot of friends but you can always bribe someone with your making videos on YouTube income.
Lorikeet Chess - Mostly the same as regular chess. Although the rook is typically shaped like a castle lorikeet chess replaces that with a bird as rooks are also a type of crow. Note that the best name for a grouping of rooks is a storytelling, and lorikeets should be but mostly aren’t tagged with that. The only way to deliver checkmate in lorikeet chess is with your bird. You then have to create a story that has no basis in fact and keep adding to it until your opponent resigns. Or you can brush all the pieces off the board on the first move and declare victory.
Logical Fallacy Ping Pong - Alternate reciting all the different fallacies you use until one of you can’t think of one already mentioned. Helps remind you of what criticism is coming up so you can delete those comments in your blog post.
Darts - Magnetic only. Throw them against the side of a fridge and paint the target afterwards.
Pool - Pick whether you want a billiards table or an indoor pool. Because either can always remind you of the other.
Pinball - They have flippers. Commercial machines always have a bank of targets with S-C-R-I-P-T on them so you can flipper the script.
Foosball- AKA terrorist football A bit pricey but loads of fun. The host plants contact sensitive explosives in one of the little foosball men and the two players don’t know which one it’s in. When the contact with the ball and the exploding figure is energetic enough BOOOMM!! Don’t worry about duds. It was just a hoax. And as always, explosion or not, it is rigged. Expert version: Predict which figure is rigged. As always, it doesn’t matter if you’re wrong.
Sheepleboard - Pretty much the same as Shuffleboard. Additional victory terms are in the rules. If your opponent falls asleep you automatically win if, and only if, you yell WAKE UP!!!!
Taxes Hold’em Poker - Only declare your losses to the IRS. Fuck the government, they’re evil.
Asteroids - Good practice breaking big things down into little things, like changing 1407 into 147 into something else. There’s a whole line of arcade games that could be a future post of its own some day.
Bumperless Pool - Made in the spirit of the current trend in gematria, to make it as easy as possible. Removing the bumpers was a good start. Now the tables are slanted inward to the single pocket in the middle so you literally can’t miss pocketing the target ball. And in the true practicality of gematria you scratch on every shot.
Assorted Party Games - Because Pin the Nose on the Jew and Sperm and Spoon Race never go out of style. (SPERM and OVUM have the same gematria in simple).
Wait Lifting - Give up on the 7pm restriction and get plastered.
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