Dearest Mother:
I pray that yourself and father have forgiven me for engaging in war on our northern brethren, evil cabal scum though they be. At this tender age of 33, the highest level of Free Mason-Dixonry I have now been sighted with the awful horrors of battle. Even the occasional trysts with sheep and paid shills no longer hold me the same comfort as they did before. I gravely fear that each false flag attack will be the last light my young eyes will ever see. So, in order to do my best to make peace with the both of you, I write this. And I’ve started a crowdfunding raiser for donations to hope one day you and the rest of the sheep will wake up and realize that this is a war amongst living and breathing men for the entertainment of our reptilian overlords.
Private Fergus Jenkins, once known as your beloved son. Now known as Btrad3 by the Government
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Darling Gertrude:
I have melted my last lead bullet in order to make a pencil to write to thee. I was saving it for the Illuminati or myself if things went well or contrastingly poorly. But, I have yet to see any of the evil scum in my two years of battle. My belief is that our regiment number 223 being equal to the Synagogue Of Satan has something to do with it. As if we had some sort of dipshitmatic immunity to the appalling murder that surrounds us. I was reminded of you when I last prayed and reflected on how Christ and Antichrist both equal 77 . As your initials are G.T. whereby G=7 in ordinal and T=7 in reverse. And I can’t handle the conflict this confusion brings about in me anymore. What I have decided is that since you, being 7-7 are at the core of my dilemma that your life must end for the greater good. As I have ridden myself of my last bullet, when you see me next I will be carrying a sharp stick which I will lodge between your perfect breasts.
With Love, Cornelius
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General Smithington:
I have taken the liberty of discharging myself from the infirmary and will report to your camp at once. I am reasonably fit for battle and concerned much how the Bavarian Illuminati are trying to take our schools away. I have acquired much useful information while recovering, and now my record at predicting wrestling match outcomes is nearly 50%. (It’s actually 27%,, but rounded up that’s close enough.
Pvt. Parts.
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Mr. Lincoln:
In case you were not aware, “Four score and seven years” can be PhraseShopped in substitute of “Eighty seven years.”
Your speech writers
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Tyrus:
I have found a use for your penchant for misspelling. As soon as a new word is formed by spelling it incorrectly it counts in gematria the same as if it were part of the dictionary. And more importantly Lionel, who I’m sure you remember, has illustrated that b*******, b***shit, bull**** are all acceptable as forms of bullshit. The hours saved finding the right word will be enormous. This will give us a big advantage at Manassas. For example, I can spell “Gematria is a wonderful tool” as “Gematria sucks ass” and it counts. Or simply “*” to be equal to any number!
Respectfully,
Thomas “Manilla” Wafer
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Pastor Greaves:
I’m experiencing remarkable synchronicity with events from this week and the Mesozoic Era. Pray for me to find the strength to understand that synchronicity means simultaneous.
Corporal Bryce Drudgel
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Cornelius:
I’m using my superpowers of selective incompetence to ignore your warning and have no idea about the letter I received. Welcoming your stick between my breasts.
Gertrude T.
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<Posted on barracks door of Troop 227-414>
Coded message:
113
27, 196, 666, 47, 33, 777, 13, 11, 112, 227, 109, 144, 48, 60, 19, 28, 261, 52
End coding,
God luck lads
The Officers
PS, Multiple ciphers out of the 6,217,749,361 available in use to confuse the enemy in case one or more of you is a plant.
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Lord Eastwood:
I cannot in good conscience destroy the bridge on your property as it is Bridge #31 on our map. 31 being a bridge to 11 as the bridge between actual number and prime number. And 11 being the master builder number never to be reduced. Terribly sorry the enemy will be raping your daughters and burning your lands.
Major Tuco,
Second Regiment Demilitions Squad
Private Van Cleef here- First Comment!
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