New Movies!!!

New FAKE movies.  Because that’s what this hyper polarized, politically supercharged, AI infested, grifting world really needs right now.  Just like your dignified retirement or a sensible gematria narrative these movies have approximately zero percent chance of getting made.

Once there’s an intellectual property that has the three main prerequisites met, a sequel, spinoff, or cheap imitation is inevitable.  First, the concept doesn’t need to be brand new, but it at least it had to lay low in the background like a field in fallow.  Next, there has to be a big name star.  The better the actually talent or the biggest asshole off screen the better (think Bill Maher or Tom Cruise.  Yes, Maher isn’t actually that big of a star, but he sure projects like he is). Finally and most importantly - did the original make money?  If no, move on.  If yes, somebody in a boardroom somewhere will green light it.

Now for example, Blade Runner 2049 or Indiana Jones Dial of Destiny.  An explanation for why the hero has visibly aged.  The idea that an IJ movie with a decent script laid low for awhile.  They didn’t succeed, but someone in some boardroom + money = ??!?!??!?  Give it a shot.  Usually a sequel shows up a couple of years after the first, and hopefully your Kevin Sorbo isn’t already washed up.

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Original - Runaway

Not every old Tom Selleck movie can have Judy from Lost In Space (Marta Kristen -Terminal Island), but it’s got Kirstie Alley and Gene Simmons.  Tom is a policeman in charge of dealing with robots gone bad.  Instead of what he’s normally used to dealing with - malfunctioning robots, Gene is a very bad person making bad robots for his nefarious purposes.

Updated - Runaway Drones

Tom and Gene are back and since they’re creaking along now they are mentoring young upstarts to take on challenges of the 21st century.  Gene is building drones for political assassination, Tom is trying to develop a protection system of miniature flak guns to shoot down tiny commercial drones.  And throw in eco terrorists who are using drones to drop herbicide on golf courses.

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Original - Single White Female

Jennifer Jason Leigh is psycho and obsessed with Bridget Fonda.  Many hijinks ensue, deadly hijinks.

Updated - Single White FEMA 

Cutting costs almost always means underpaid and overworked, so after staffing cuts Bridget resigns in disgust instead of buckling to the dictator’s bad decisions just for the sake of a paycheck.  She actually enjoyed the sense of helping those in need.  Jennifer is the sole employee appointed to staff FEMA during the nastiest hurricane season in U.S. history.  Many hijinks ensue.

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Original - Fire and Ice

A tepid animated good versus evil story with an evil ice queen at odds with a hero and the noble king of Fire Keep.

Updated - Fire and ICE

Climate change bad.  ICE deportations bad.  The original relied on animation to cater to the inner child.  Reality caters to the arbitrary and costly decisions of real life with no adults in the room to talk about sensible solutions.  Produced by and for adults with the IQ of a sponge and attention span that matches.  That’s why the plot revolves around how climate change is a hoax and ICE deportations are supposedly not random excuses to kidnap and incarcerate people that don’t match your skin color standards.

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Original - Planet Terror

Quentin Tarantino’s double feature homage to grindhouse movies, complete with fake trailers for movies that started as a joke and actually got made.

Updated - Planet Tariff

Donald Trump’s homage to the Smoot-Hawley act, but without Rose McGowan and Bruce Willis.  The penguins on not inhabited by humans islands are pissed and looking for payback.  Danny Trejo is a taco restaurant owner that arms the penguin military with machetes.  The steel for the machetes was slapped with a 2,963,048% tariff, leaving the U.S. without a supply for their own counter machete program.  The penguins kick ass and develop a gas that turns zombies back into real people and give Bruce Willis a new lease on the twilight years of his life.

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Original - Galaxy of Terror

Robert England as not Freddy Krueger.  Weird low budget sci fi at its campy best.

Updated - Galaxy of Tariff

The SETI program, not having produced any tangible  results about if we are alone in the universe is now headed by obvious Trump appointee loyalists.  And in its own dumb way the plan is brilliant.  Can aliens resist the idea of investigating - can Earth humans possibly be that dumb?  When a tariff is placed on all alien life in the galaxy (double for alien penguins) surely that will make them come and make a deal before they…uh…well that’s not important.  What is important is that aliens won’t pay tariffs much the same as no humans on uninhabited islands will pay tariffs.

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Original - The Purge (franchise)

Rich people have to bunker indoors during the one night a year that all crime is legal.

Updated - The Binge (prequel franchise)

Explains how history is ignored and how letting gung ho capitalist deregulation with ultra wealthy idiots in charge has worked 0% of the time.  A mix of a tiny bit of fact (like 10 is bigger than 1) with an awful lot of fiction (like in gematria 10=1 if you want it to.)

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Original - Doctor Who and the Daleks

Peter Cushing as the Doctor from the long running but now overstayed its welcome (again) TV series.

Updated - Doctor WTF? and the Daleks

Time travel stuff is fun, but thoroughly impractical with all the paradoxes and stuff.  Here, the Daleks master plan is just to wait it out while humans self destruct.  The doctor, in true U.S. Democrat form doesn’t do anything about it.  He simply shows up at times in Earth’s past and utters, “What the fuck?”, hops in his Tardis, and moves on.  Given a soul stirring monologue for the ending is the only real variety.

“What the fuck?  What the actual fuck, Earth?  I mean really, your planet is on fire right now.  Why the fuck did I even bother with you?  Look at all the hints I gave you.  The stories of fascism being bad, genocide being bad, anti intellectualism being bad.  And you decided to make us the worst of what we were and are.  What the actual fuckety fucking fuck you fuckwads.”