Well, know that Canada has all the outward and not nuanced arbitrary labels and with Trump seeking to impose more economic sanctions on his own country, let’s speculate on the outcome of another country actively reigning supreme during the better part of the losing team’s country’s 250th birthday celebration. What if the Blue Jays win the World Series of what was once called the U.S.’s national pastime?
Scenario 1, The Gematria.
This should be fairly simple. The first rule of sports gematria is what until the game is over. No matter what plays out regarding the following scenarios, the gematria takes remain the same. Wait until the news is reported, find some meaningless small numbers, claim you were right.
Scenario 2, The Insurrection
If you weren’t aware, the Jays first World Series title was versus the Atlanta Braves back in 1992. And what else is Georgia famous for besides the Braves? Being called by election losers to magically find votes. This already sounds gematria-esque levels of weird, but follow along it gets weirder. In theory a declaration of war could be pronounced on Canada, but that’s not insane enough. This is why we have had the reporting about making Canada the 51st state. If any type of rushed democratic process is performed to make Canada U.S. state #51 if it wins, cool. Which it probably won’t. But there will be a phone call to the Braves from office to find the needed votes. Then when that insanity fails it goes to the Supreme Court. I’m not sure where they fall on sports fandom, they’re awfully busy with important stuff like ruining pregnant women’s access to life saving health care, but a couple well placed RV and vacation trip bribes should work. Now that the mindless drones in the base have been appeased whether Canada likes it or not, BAM! 51st state. And Trump has practice in inciting insurrection within his own borders. Sales of the Trump branded hockey gear are gonna skyrocket as a lot of that stuff will come in useful in a fight.
Scenario 3, The Naval Bombardment
The Maple Syrup Cartel has gotten away with peddling their sweetened death upon complacent and obese U.S. Citizens for far too long. No matter how much gets seized at the border it will never stem the slowly pouring brown liquid murder syrup from making its way in through all points of entry. Blowing up a couple civilian fishing boats around the northern U.S. coastlines should do the trick for getting the ball rolling. Maine is conveniently placed far north that the claim can be easily made that despite lack of evidence, blowing up Canadian merchant vessels at random can be justified as necessary. Some key military Signal chats can be leaked. “Remember MAINE!!”
Scenario 4, The Deportations
Wow there’s a lot of non-white sounding names on the current Blue Jays roster. Even with upcoming trades there’s still going to be some. And most of their games will be scheduled within the U.S. The newly formed Deportment (not a typo) Of Canadian Illegals Leaving, Eh? goes to work. The calm sounding acronym of DOCILE will be great misdirection cover. They can have Mountie Bounties and quotas for rounding up as many players on the Jays roster regardless of actual citizenship. And families, friends, anyone who dares be in the same room as a Blue Jay. Deport their asses too. Hmmmm. Canadians don’t dislike the cold. Send them to Bermuda or somewhere else pleasantly warm.
Scenario 5, The Trade War Escalation
20,000,000,000% tariff on any player traded from the Jays to an American team. Although no roster will have cap room for any other team members this will isolate Canada from the U.S. for the foreseeable future.
Scenario 6, Releasing the Canadian Epstein Files
Maybe not what you’re thinking. The previous ludicrous claims and contradictions remain the same, with one small change. Biden and Obama are Canadians. Prince Andrew - Canadian. Bill Clinton - Canadian. Michael Jackson - Canadian. Everyone ever mentioned even sideways related to Epstein File activity - Canadian. And Trump himself - Canadian because he’s special and it doesn’t matter how much actual evidence there is, so might as well be Canadian.
And throw in a Canadian version of a Nobel peace prize for Trump chickening out on any of those scenarios.
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