Gematria Gurus - The Lowest Form Of Life Coaches

Anyone can be a Life Coach.

 

I used to lay awake at night as a middle school student dreaming of being a life coach.  The thought of being a life coach, the idea that people would see me as an expert on everything and pay me money to advise them on how to run their own pathetic, miserable lives.  The power, the control, and the sweet perks like the framed certificates declaring how I went through the arduous life coach program to achieve the mastery in my craft.

Life coaches (mostly) are in the bullshit realm of the hour long infomercial proclaiming success in real estate investment by buying a book on real estate investment tips.  If Dean Graziosi was that good at real estate investment he wouldn’t need to hawk his services about real estate investment, he would simply do it.  That’s actually a bad analogy as this article explains the FTC case revolving around how what he was really marketing was coaching services instead of sound investment advice.

https://consumer.ftc.gov/consumer-alerts/2020/09/ftc-moves-add-real-estate-celebrities-dean-graziosi-and-scott-yancey-nudge-case

Our cognitively biased species does a decent job of recognizing a short term immediate problem that absolutely needs to be fixed right away.  The pipe above your head breaks, you hire a plumber that actually knows how to plumb.  The house is on fire, you call 911, because our cognitive biases don’t help so much with long term investment and you didn’t think ahead to having a working fire extinguisher.

So the idea of a life coach seems natural, you are at least admitting you suck at long term ideas.  Coaching advice from someone who got a certificate for a couple bucks off the internet is the same as a plumber who calls himself one because he has duct tape and WD40 and a $5 monkey wrench.  You will be worse off than you started out.

In comparing life coaches with gematria we can see some of the key points that show the failures of the system.  There’s no licensing board for life coaches, no agency to oversee any rigorous coursework that shows somebody spent serious time educating themselves to identify and help with other’s long term problems.  There’s also no government agency that operates to scour social media for the conspiracy grifting content.

And you can find a life coach to specialize in certain areas or a Jack of All Trades style coach.  Finance, romance, fitness, spiritual fulfillment.  Not so strangely but quite unappealing is the life coach more interested in selling you how to be a life coach to others.  The exact same methodology as our real estate investment books.

And gematria gets to cover the same ground.  The statistically insignificant numbers can be found in all the cliquish cult divisions.  You’ve got the long term big names presented as the know it all for all the cliques.  You’ve got your cryptocurrency bros.  You’ve got the astrology and spiritual related bases covered ad nauseam. Even the occasional eating healthy and fitness post.

Romance, well that is not highlighted as a topic so much. I suppose you could burden yourself by creating a fake girlfriend for fake anecdotal evidence, but this doesn’t fit with the overall marketing plan.  The goal is to seek out the most cognitively impaired targets.  Advertising in general loves the spontaneous reaction above long term value, so why should gematria be any different?  So let’s throw in death, and all the group phobias.  A kind and empathetic person looking for a soul mate?  Fuck that, give me the assholes.  The bigger the asshole the better.  The kind of person who doesn’t mind spreading every single hateful meme that crosses their eyes.

The gematria life coach is more dangerous because, these numbers are supposed to mean something in regards to predictability.  There’s an illusion that this two digit number is a ritual sacrifice, or murder by an evil empire.  The initiate into the gematria world has enough pattern recognition skill to memorize the most basic patterns combined with a desire for long term improvement.  You too can learn this awesome prediction skill by

Decoding an event that already happened.  That’s not even short term improvement, that’s reporting the news.  This is how the message gets internally twisted.  Complaining about the many actual problems in the world and trolling the empathetic normies becomes:

Dude, everyone IRL still thinks you’re an asshole.  You’re doing a great job proving that.  The problem is you’re not a big enough asshole.  The gematria life coach can coach you on how to be a better asshole, you just need to go a little bit deeper down that rabbit hole.  Maybe you need to be more vocal about these other notable assholes and abuse the empathetic enemies of these assholes.

Decoding the Super Bowl when the game is over doesn’t help with having the resources to hire a qualified plumber, predicting when the next pipe will break or make you a better person.  It doesn’t even make you a better asshole, just a more vocal one.  The conspiracy theorist world is filled with people lacking in emotional maturity - angry two year olds who admire other angry two year olds.  People who have had a life filled with being told they should grow up and are rightfully sick of it.  Constantly attacked for being a royal pain in the ass, like this post.

All because somewhere along the way a qualified life coach was missing in the socialization process.