Oh no. You’ve been a bad boy. You posted something the teacher didn’t like. Maybe it was a genuinely correct criticism about how the magic isn’t revealed until after the game is over. Maybe you said it was a real hurricane instead of a hoax. Maybe he had a bad day and just lashed out and said what you did made the community look stupid. (Which is true every day.) Whatever the reason you’re stuck in Gematria School detention with Principal Vernon and you need to slog through an assignment to not get hit with more days of detention.
Make a gematria decode that can’t go wrong.
Fortunately, you’ve got your phone. Well, admit it, you’re nothing without your phone. If you didn’t have that to fuck around on social media being a fake bad ass you wouldn’t be in gematria school detention in the first place. Forget about having a chance with Molly. She figured out you are creepy and really weird a long time ago.
Also in your favor is that you don’t have to suck up to Vernon and pick his favorites just to smooch boots and lick ass (the same gematria as lick boots and smooch ass!). He liked Dikembe Mutombo regardless of which team he was playing for and that gives you the inspiration. Start your stockpile of foolproof gematria decodes with just two names and wait for the cards to fall in place after the fact.
Ish Smith and Josh Johnson.
Ish has played for 13 different teams. And he played ball in college, too. You could argue that maybe he’s really not that good and that’s the reason nobody wants to stick with him for a long term contract. But he was on the championship Nuggets team last year! That’s primo evil cabal territory right there! Johnson is even better having played for 14 different NFL teams. No rings, but he’s currently with the Ravens which stand at 14-1 to win the Super Bowl. You’re gonna find narratives for every team, but you get to *pretend* you’re limiting yourself to just some teams instead of all of them.
And look at those last names.
That’s the number one and number two last names in the English speaking world. You really, really suck if you can’t come up with a gematria decode with the numbers stacked in your favor this way. News story - Someone named Smith or Johnson. Sports story - over a dozen teams to choose from in the NBA or NFL. You’re going to find narratives for every person that is alive, was alive and will be born in the future. But you get to *pretend* you’re only finding two.
Finish with a flourish and pick both sides and you’ve got everything in the bag. Except that damn normie Molly who correctly knows you’re creepy and weird. You get to *pretend* you’re a nice person, even though she knows you are a jackwipe.
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