What Everyone Gets Wrong About the Werewolf Vs. Vampire Conflict

Most of the people I hang out with are on Team Werewolf.  It’s been far easier to dismiss the push for extremism coming from the Team Vampire side.  Vampires are non stop, “Me!  Me!  Me!  Me!”  Up there on the mountain in their ancient castle with the gold plated coffins and their buxom and vacuous vampire Zacharia’s brides that they really don’t care about that much.  Other than the symbolism.  The, “Do you know who I am?” attitude that gets them out of every speeding ticket.  Most constables aren’t aware that a carriage could even move that fast without the wheels of the carriage falling off.

Werewolves, on the other paw, are much more human except for those couple of days with a full moon.  Often horrified of their insatiable hunger and downright repentant about the feeding frenzy and chewing up the sofa cushions.  No amount of chastisement with the labels of, “Bad wolf!  Bad, naughty, stupid wolf!  What’s your problem you stupid woke mongrel!” while ‘human’ can retrain them to avoid being a self indulgent pup when the hair and fangs come out.  No amount of trying to act like a suave and sexy vampire master with a really cool eastern European accent can really change them.

But deep down, they are the same.  It’s not that they are monsters.  It’s not that they are inhuman monsters.

They don’t have a fucking clue about math.

So let’s create a fictitious example with a head vampire that we’ll randomly <cough><cough> call Donald.  The first vampire ever and directly responsible for creation of a whole generation of vampires.  In turn, they created more vampires.  Who created more vampires.  An endless cycle of creation of vampires that left unchecked will (checking math…carry the 2…divide by Pi squared…multiply by log x…) leave zero villagers.  The magical solution is that once Donald is dealt with all the other vampires, now at 100% of the population are either redeemed and return to human or dust depending on what silly story you believe.

But not everything is fun and games for those vampires before the magical solution.  The earliest ones to buy into the supernatural Ponzi scheme had it good for a long time.  They genuinely believe they are protecting the investment towards global vampire dominance.  As more and more vampires arrive on the scene it starts to get tricky.  Why does Donald get Kate Beckinsale quality brides while I get Darla the Starbucks barista with the bad teeth?  Fuck this shit.  How am I supposed to continue the vampire lineage and have my personal army to change my vampire colostomy bag in my old vampire age?  She doesn’t even have all her incisors.  AND WHERE IS MY FUCKING SEXY EUROPEAN ACCENT?!?!!!

The lure of the werewolves hangs heavy.  Instead of the pretending that everyone likes you when they really hate you that the vampire lifestyle brings, you do get the chance to be human for most of the month.  That’s a CHANCE to be human.  Whether you take advantage of it or not, well that’s an open question.  A werewolf is far more likely to settle on running down a deer than actively searching for villagers.  But there’s a non zero chance that unless you’re super careful with the locks and heavy sedation that an accident will happen.

Just for fun let’s create a top werewolf named Gavin.  When the shit started to hit the fan with vampires overrunning the population he was a super powerful ally to have for the moonlight period.  The fangs and claws came out at the right time.  Push back on the vampire agenda, that in all seriousness should have happened a long time ago.  Maybe it’s because he had his now vampire wife Kimberly to share some of the more interesting moments of not being a werewolf.  Or maybe he really believes that a solid werewolf pack is the answer - an army of wolves that are rough and tumble ready to go when the war starts.

And maybe he’s just fucking wrong, too because THE MATH STILL DOESN’T WORK.  It just takes longer.  More werewolves create more werewolves and left unchecked will reach 100% and no more villagers remain.

And the culmination of the simple math is the villagers always lose out in the end.  The poor saps having to negotiate the constant pressure of existing in not just binary of either/or vampire or werewolf, but the constant pressure of being pushed to choose one or the other.  Your darling children are sprouting fangs one way or the other.  Just hope you get about 18 years of love before the propaganda starts.

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A functional multi racial democracy and fascism don’t really play well together.  Thanks to the internet, instead of an isolated village your sweet child is easily exposed to “the wrong side”.  As my stupid story here attempted to illustrate, America is having a political moment here.  A choice between investing in vampirism with a 100% failure rate assured.  Believing in the conflation of a single werewolf being correctly pointed out as being not the greatest 100% of the time.  Or you could roll the dice, take the chance on humanity winning out and realizing that 39 days of a year being a monster is better than 365.25 days of the year of being a monster.  And as soon as the wolf brings the claws out during a time when the moon isn’t full.  Call him out as the monster he truly is.