I just watched clips on Fox News of the Eggs Jubilee debate. A nonexistent but very real sounding parody of the Jubilee debate format where a claimant makes a proposal and then is surrounded by a group of opposing view holders. The clip was totally not cherry picked and edited to make it as embarrassing for the lefties as possible.
The Claim: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is a poopyhead.
First Debater: You care to present a single specific point about what makes AOC that?
Claimant: Because she is. Checkmate!
And the debate ended.
So I have an ex-friend, let’s call him Leon to secure his true identity. I’m sure he’d appreciate that since he used to be one of the guys, and now he’s having some naughty thoughts about doing actual research. And asking to discuss meaningful DEI bullshit topics like bodily autonomy and stuff. And since his wife is named Noel and that’s Leon spelled backwards nobody will know I’m talking about him. Noel is the problem. She has been giving him bad ideas. So he asked me what I thought of the debate and asked me, “So what would you pick as a single specific point?”
Dammit, Leon you chucklehead. The softball of all softball of all questions to ask. The right wing media ecosystem just told me what to say about this. It’s the big thing to talk about, until the next big thing I’m told what to whine about comes in. AOC wants to freeze her eggs. Some lame bullshit about bodily autonomy blah, blah, blah, uncovered by insurance, blah, blah blah, and missing out on the child bearing years and regrets and blah, blah, blah, equality between sexes and blah, blah, blah. Totally missing that the Eggs Jubilee content has already proven she’s a poopyhead.
Then Leon told me I was being close minded and a MAGA cultist who couldn’t think for himself. I. Have. Never. Been. So. Angry.
So I laid into Leon armed with all the confidence that one only finds in what Noel calls the multibillion dollar online grift economy. Like, what the fuck does that even mean? So here’s what I told him.
It’s the economy stupid. What’s the most important part of the economy? Stocks. Like chicken stock. That you make soup with. And what’s the best part of a good chicken noodle soup? It’s when you cut up pieces of hard boiled egg for the soup. And what’s the best measure of inflation? THE PRICE OF EGGS. Sure the price of oil is part of that, as oil prices rise egg prices rise. Duh!
Buy low, sell high. I’ve been trading in cryptoeggs for the past couple of years. Nothing too big. Don’t want to lose the house the next time some lefty president comes in with their dumb ideas. That got me thinking. Why not invest in egg eggs. Like the actual thing you could eat. And I did something nobody I know did. I bought them when the price was high. A symbolic purchase in honor of the greatest world leader ever, DJT. Those aren’t dumb ideas that are bad ideas, they are never before seen displays of genius. And when the egg tariffs work their way through the system (SOON!!) I’ll be sitting on a goldmine.
Because, I’m freezing my eggs. The generator to provide electricity for the egg freezer was bought from INFOWARS (back when it was good). You can tell it’s high quality since it was $59,999. No cheap ass commie generator for me! I’ve made arrangements for purchasing liquid nitrogen as a backup during times when the genny might go down. Way more inexpensive and practical than you think. And the nitrogen was made in Texas.
In about 20 years, when prices finally calm down, I’ll have something that retains value better than a house, better than gold, better than cryptoeggs. I’ll have a fucking ton of genuine ex-frozen eggs that can be exchanged for real goods and services. More valuable now than ever as 20 years from now when people are just figuring out how ironic it is that AOC freezing her eggs is exactly what poopyhead would do.
The security issue was a tough nut for a while, but finally solvable by finding someone who is willing to guard them for the promise of a couple really valuable eggs a year starting twenty years from now.
And get this. Leon said,
“Are you sure you aren’t just triggered because she’s a bright young woman who shows signs actually fighting for a future worth living in?”
Leon, I don’t even know you anymore. Lucky for you things seem to be going great with Noel. Have some fun now, because she’s a poopyhead, too. She will turn on you one day. Her and her bad ideas about the cost of raising a family. The cost that won’t be subsidized by stockpile of frozen eggs.
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