The Imaginary Banker App

 Why settle for an imaginary friend when you can have so much more with an imaginary banker?

~ Herman Smith, Lorimor Iowa, April 1981

Hi there.  Bradley Smith here.  And I’m the founder and CEO of the greatest thing that ever happened to everyone - The Imaginary Banker App found at our website https://imaginarybanker.com.  This testimonial serves as verification that everything that follows is truthful and although it sounds too good to be true, believe me this app works wonders.

It all began with my Dad, Herman, and my Mom, Dolores back in April 1981.  My second loose tooth.  In retrospect the first loose tooth was pretty uneventful.  The second was life altering.  Mom was nervous about her side hustle as the Tooth Fairy that night, because as with the first loss of a baby tooth, Brad liked to sleep with a hand tucked underneath the pillow.  And sure enough, replacing that shiny quarter for the rough piece of calcium that night was problematic.  Yours truly awoke, catching Mom in the act and pretended to not have been fully awakened.  The small amount of sleep that followed for me that night was interspersed with the big question.

If Mom’s the Tooth Fairy, then what else are my parents and other people?  The Easter Bunny?  Santa Claus?  Jesus?  And what about that Oscar Wurther from this “bank” thing that had my parents so worried all the time?  Oscar used what I told were scary words I wasn’t to press about.  Words like mortgage, foreclosure, bankruptcy.  Surely since Oscar dealt with money he had some connection to this Tooth Fairy fable.

Dad was a kindly, moral soul and the wisest person this totally unbiased person ever knew.  Although Mom thought it was a bit too early for “the talk” Dad found a way to have it.  Gently easing me into the true nature of life by telling me about the Imaginary Banker.  And as I grew older with each passing day I found myself yearning for what other little tidbits of knowledge he would spoon-feed me.  Being perpetually in debt is scary, but when you embrace the Imaginary Banker it gets easier.  Much easier.

I was hooked on the first story.  I remember it like it happened just yesterday.  Proper care of teeth is important.  The Tooth Fairy stories are for gullible children.  I was now officially growing in to manhood.  I was hearing about the real driving forces behind proper dental care. 

Toothpaste doesn’t work correctly unless you had to borrow money to purchase it.  There was an embargo in the 1970’s when the top toothpaste exporting countries in the Middle Teeths were trying to leverage their stranglehold on the supply.  Through a process called dentatative easing, the U.S. government released millions of barrels of toothpaste from the strategic reserves.  Holding prices steady until a more favorable regime could be forcibly installed in the Middle Teeths.  The quarter Nom was giving me.  That was a refund.  Dad had used the Imaginary Banker to pay for more effective borrowed money toothpaste.  And like millions of other kids in the early 80’s that quarter was due to us in real money.  An actual solid piece of metal that was totally not representative of imaginary funding principles.

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I used the Imaginary Banker frequently throughout the years.  My fried potatoes were more nutritious with borrowed imaginary money.  My shoes fit better and the sores from them being too tight weren’t as bad as they would have been because of Imaginary Banker money.  I was left fielder in Little League Baseball because imaginary borrowed money got me the best second hand glove money could buy.

And of course there’s my dear Betsy Koosman, my childhood sweetheart, first crush and now my wife.  Betsy actually chased after me.  My self confidence was at the top.  Funded by imaginary money and unlimited hopeful aspirations I was the perfect tutor for someone like Betsy.  Her parents never told her about the Imaginary Banker and I was more than happy to fill the gaps.  At first it was just mutual physical attraction.  Betsy’s natural auburn curls highlighted her flawless complexion.  My Little League career as the best left fielder Lorimor ever had accented my rugged good looks.  Our first kiss was under the bleachers after we won the county championship.  We lost our virginity together in 1995, protected by imaginary contraception funded by the Imaginary Banker’s contacts in the Imaginary Pharmaceutical Industry.

And our daughter, my cherished Noel, was born 282 days later with a glorious wedding a month before that.  Herman Smith repeated the quote at the top.  “Son, I’ve got the cost of the wedding covered.  You don’t need an Imaginary Friend when you have an Imaginary Banker.”  I cried tears of joy and terror for weeks.

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The last decade has been tough on everyone.  Betsy, my Mom, Noel, my closest friends.  We’re all doing great.  (Dad passed away due to complications when Covid hit.  I’d like to think he’d be his old jovial self.). And I realized as the world bitches, pisses and moans around us is that we have a mental state that keeps us happy.  The never ending confidence that Imaginary Money supplied by the Imaginary Banker would get us through anything.

And doesn’t the rest of the worked need to share in that joy?

So that’s when I can up with the Imaginary Banker App.  And everything has gone off about as perfectly as could be hoped for.

The app is powered by AI.  Artificial Imagination.  Nobody can copyright imagination, so while it was training on data all across the internet there was no chance of a lawsuit ending our dreams.  Once we found all the gematria decodes from the most active years, the app became more or less self aware.  No solid math or language skills.  No copyright protection for the concept of gematria.  Just unbridled and unlimited imagination fueled by completely arbitrary discourse on the most arbitrary of subjective viewpoints.  And that was combined with unfettered access to unlimited imaginary funding - a gambling win rate of 50% is the ideal number for an imaginary banking system.

The IPO, Imaginary Price Offering, was a huge success.  Trillions of imaginary dollars flowed in and we can pretty much undertake whatever imaginary projects we want.  Some of the plans include EVs that you can imagine don’t blow up and imagine don’t drive into pedestrians when in self drive mode.  Imaginary trips to imagine terraforming Mars.  Imaginary Data Centers that only use imaginary electricity and cooled by only imaginary water.  And we’re especially proud of how much our imaginary reduction of imaginary CO2 in the imaginary atmosphere is advancing.

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Let’s wrap up with some features already built in to the Imaginary Banker app.

- The cybersecurity system named after my daughter, Noel.  (She giggles like a schoolgirl hearing about how famous she is, now.)  The suite is loaded with imaginary strong password generation, imaginary two factor authentication, and physical security including but not limited to imaginary security cameras.  This is solid protection for any imaginary cyber threat.

- The best imaginary search engine.  The top results will find the information based off the word hoax IMMEDIATELY.

- Imaginary prediction markets.  Just like gematria you can imagine you’ll get rich quick.

- Access to the best imaginary 401k and pension funds available by the world’s top imaginary investment brokers.

- An imaginary coupon for unlimited imaginary coffee.

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Imagine your way to a better life today.  Herman Smith never said that, but I’d like to think that it’s the kind of thing my Dad would have said.  But he’s in a better place now, an imaginary place where the imaginary bankers are his real friends instead of just his imaginary friends.  A happier place where imaginary politicians no longer clamor for his imaginary donations.  Won’t you sign up for the Imaginary Banker App today and make him proud?