The Bureau of Gematria Standards

 

You know what would really fix this world right up?  A little bit of standards.  And as soon as this election is decided we need to start a new cabinet position and appoint the first head of the Bureau of Gematria Standards.

Crystal here doesn’t get the nod.  Crystal Octaball sounds like a Magic 8 ball reference.  And those things are notoriously vague and don’t really answer the questions.  As opposed to gematria which is notoriously vague and never really answers any questions.  Of course, there’s also horoscopes which are notoriously vague and never really answer any questions.  The pattern here?  Shooting for 60% success rate is against the rules.  There are two and only two distinct success rates for gematria.  And to be head of the BGS you’ve got to be promoting one or the other.

First of all, there’s the 50% crowd.  That’s the traditional and more popular crowd because sports is more important than a tolerable temperature to work outside or children’s mental health.  Just slap together the best sounding narrative you’ve got and actually make a pick and suffer the shame of really only being right about half the time.  It’s not spectacular and doesn’t really get any glory.  But you as a newbie haven’t learned how to cheat yet.  You can work your way up the ladder, try to get a position as a staffer with the reputation of getting through life as a battler with the school of hard knocks.  But you really don’t get anywhere politically without cheating.  That’s where the big backs are.

So you’re much better off being part of the 0% crowd.  That’s right, 0% and not 100%.

Sure it’s marketed as 100% or damn close, but in reality being wrong on everything is very intellectually liberating.  In gematria, if you’re focused on looking for a single value as soon as you find it the value in the other ciphers that you didn’t use is bound to be a different number.  Bingo, wrong again.  And the people love themselves the personalities that are wrong about everything on purpose.  Alex Jones - wrong about everything.  See how easy and lucrative it is?  What’s this 60% success rate nonsense?  That’s almost respectable.

For the head of the BSG you need the other qualities in the top influencers and pundits that enjoy being wrong about everything.

- Project that you are being persecuted while you are actually doing the harassment.

- Project that you are being cheated while you are the one doing the cheating.  You can even spend months or years in advance of an election talking about being cheated before the election so you can start an (another) insurrection!  Isn’t that fun?

- Stochastic terrorism.  Keep them guessing by never being able to anticipate the target.  42 could mean the N word, rednecks, Jesuits or butterflies.  I’ve never met a butterfly that I liked enough to want to party with it.  Kill ‘em all.

- Guns.   Because everything is better with guns, not that it seems logical for the Bureau.  But that’s a core gematria value, being illogical is more important for being wrong all the time than any well thought out arguments.

- Identification of what you hate.  Brown people, immigrants, gay people, smart people, atheists, low fat butter, Asians, puppies, Bud Light, sudoku, and gosh the list is too damn long already.  It can be shortened to listing one thing - you hate everyone that’s not you.

- Identification of what you hate stripped away from the projection.  You hate yourself.  You’re so insecure in your own need for attention and lack of humanity that you’re lashing out at anything and everything instead of treating your fellow people with decency and respect.  If you need gematria to prop up you’re own fragile lack of self respect you are a perfect candidate for head of the BGS.