Not all of these are people you actually meet, some are like the Bad Crisis Actor. You don't meet them, but they are talked about enough that they presumably exist in some form, even if a figment of imagination. Some are curious. Some bizarre. At least one I find downright disturbing. Spend enough time looking at the comments in the videos and blog posts, be prepared to meet them.
The Paid Troll
Upon further review of the Bad Crisis Actor I decided that by the enormity of accusations of paid trollism that these must be what Bad Crisis Actors do upon retirement from acting. The crisis actor is the audition, the trolling is the main gig. There's apparently a TON of money in trolling. Those being trolled have been known to quote "thousands of dollars" and "trolling 24/7/365". Which would suck only getting one day off from work every four years in a leap year. But, do a good job crisis acting, become a troll. Except that by definition crisis actors are always bad. I'd best leave this be now before my head explodes.
The Shill
A shill appears to be a more evolved form of troll, having been previously in the program but now disgraced. The shill does not actively participate in the commentary, but is the target of derision. "Oh Paul is just a shill sellout." The shill job doesn't pay as well. Or at least has to pay a large currency exchange fee after being paid in shillings.
People Shaking Their Heads
Part of this is logically deductible. Most everybody hates it when people type "LOL" in a comment since it's extremely unlikely they actually were laughing out loud. Just who are you kidding? In the same manner, people type "SMH" indicating they are shaking their head in disbelief. Maybe I'm just jealous. I tried it and I can't do it. I can't actually shake my head and type at the same time. I could give (giving) my head a few gentle twists, but who wants to type "GMHAFGT"? Much the same way Happy Birthday is incorrectly abbreviated HBD instead of HB on cards, I wish the internet community would take up "UB" for UNBELIEVABLE. Because even if you could type and shake your head at the same time, like LOLing I doubt you really are.
The First Responders
Good for you! Did you get a screenshot that proves you were the first to watch or like a video? The only claim you can really prove with time stamping of comments is the first comment. I personally have caught a video just made available and disliked it immediately (twice) since I can only imagine the confusion to the first person who actually watches it and sees 0 views and one dislike. But I feel no need to announce to the world that it was me. Then after the first responders, I wonder about....
The Lurkers
Of questionable existence but one must wonder if it happens. If the magic number of the video is, let's say 41, someone who can't proudly announce that they were the first responder will proudly proclaim, "41st view!" or "41st like!" In theory, this could be manipulated to wait until someone has changed the total to 40 by constantly refreshing the page, then hitting the play or thumbs up at the right time. I'm more willing to think that they just happened to notice that they hit the magic number, although they can't admit it because of the C word. Coincidence. The thought that there are people that actually think this MEANS something is the second most disturbing thing on this list. And this leads to....
The Absentee Ballots
A bit of an oddball, this is something missing from the comments that by all rights should be in the comments. Whether a missed on the chance to be a first responder or person who rightfully doesn't believe that their view or like number means something, the absentees indicate the lack of belief in the system. You haven't been paying attention. It's ridiculously easy to change a number into another number. For instance, Pi. Regardless of what view number you are, the first or second thought should be converting your view number into Pi. Attu knows you manipulate the narrative into some variation of Pi at every opportunity. It should be a requirement for posting. Every comment should have three parts. Convert the view or like number to the magic number of the day, convert to Pi, and the actually text of the comment. Shaking head optional.
The Off Topicals
This is almost always sports. They apologetically post an unrelated comment in a video of a completely different subject. "I know this is off topic, but could you tell me what you think about tonight's Cavaliers game?". Variations include requesting a full video be done and submitting some preliminary thoughts. You do want to catch the author during his most recent video so it catches his eye. But here's a Pro Tip for you - If the feature isn't disabled by the YouTuber you can click the Discuss option on the channel home page. Or keep doing what you're doing and don't be surprised when you get a response that mentions you're an idiot for not reading the blog or didn't watch the video already made. Often accompanied by some choice insults.
The Bizarro Landers
Or maybe Absolutely Nonsensical Nitwits, which would be A.N.N. Landers.
I'm not sure what to say about these guys. Not only off topic, but so far out in left field I have no idea how it supports the overall goal of exposing the evil cabal. They are simply ignored in the same manner as most off topic comments. But curiously never met with the vitriolic reaction that somebody who wants to know about LeBron James's stats for the upcoming game. A made up but frighteningly similar to what actually gets commented scenario: Video on terrorist bombing. Comment something like,
"We live in a reality matrix created from the firmament where the cabalist pedophiles control our thoughts. Our only chance is to expose their plans with geometry."
The missing response that should be there:
"What the fuck? Get off my channel."
There's a job for these kinds of people in movies. Put together as many words that don't belong together and you're bound to get someone interested in watching to find out what "Big Tits Zombie" is all about.
Tranny Spotting
As with the Bad Crisis Actor, commenters have a super human ability to spot a transsexual/transvestite. I wish it weren't true, but I've seen this frequently enough to bring it up. As far as I can tell the only requirements for tranny proclamation are "offbeat" looks and maybe heavy makeup. Like the Canadian porn actresses. I've also seen, "She looks like a lesbian." Which doesn't bother me as much. Why I'm more disturbed by this than the Bizzaro Landers should disturb you:
How, exactly, do you know what a tranny looks like? Yes, your just saying "looks like". Yet, is this a life skill that you really want to proclaim to the world? Resume booster: I don't need to check body parts, I can spot a tranny at 30 yards! Is there a Tranny Spotting School like Clown College, you know, so people can learn proper tranny (ahem) exposing technique? I, in turn, can spot someone who seems likely to make fun of someone's appearance just by their comments, even when they haven't yet made fun of their appearance. GMHAFGT.
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I checked the plot of TRAIN SPOTTING and see that it's got nothing to do with Tranny spotting. Just to be sure. It's safe for me to watch. Because I am currently proud of not being able to spot a tranny, nor do I intend to learn it in the foreseeable future.
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