Go Fund Me Or Go F*** Yourself

In order to create an alternative to frivolous fundraising campaigns I have created my own. Disgusted with the exceedingly low standards of the better known sites I have chosen my platform to be Go Fund Me Or Go Fund Yourself. Since I find the idea of people keeping their money instead of giving it to me, I choose to call this site Go Fund Me Or Go F*** Yourself.


There is a rule that money raised must go towards the actual stated purpose of the campaign. Macaroni and cheese recipes have already been done. So, I actually had to spend some time figuring out some specific details to appease the site's standing committee on SOFA. Standards Of Frivolity Adherence. Yes, they stand on the SOFA. They didn't just accept, they applauded my intended uses.


Education:
It's excruciatingly obvious that numerologists have poor educational levels. A core value of the fundraiser will be to initiate our children into real world math, science, grammar and history. Approved schools will receive packets of material on the, "Numerology Is For Zeroes" program. In addition to the program slogan, children will be provided a wide selection of other materials with other useful nuggets of wisdom. Pencils, backpacks, calculators, etc... Proudly emphasizing the owner is part of the program. Here are some slogans:


I think 74=74! Ask me why!
Wolverines are not wolves!
Pi and numerology are irrational!
Dead celebrities are dead. Live with it.


Vin Diesel has been contacted to be spokesperson. The intent is for him travel around from school to school emphasizing that although his name reminds you of VIN car identification numbers, diesel engines and he was in a bunch of car movies that go fast that it's all just a coincidence.


Phone apps:
1). Just in case its needed people should be able to quote the exact distance from the Earth to the Sun at any time. The app itself will be free. The distance will automatically update and reported in both kilometers and miles. The only requirement is a Terms Of Service check box that must be marked to download.


"I agree that by downloading this application I acknowledge that the science involved in this technology proves that the Earth is a globe, the Moon landing was not a hoax and in general a lot of other shit about stuff going on is real."


Since people general don't read these terms an additional checkbox will indicate that if they really, really agree then they get a free box of Girl Scout Cookies. Real science can reward with cookies, too.


2). Data Encryption
So when you type in VERACIOUS you get a meaningless jumble like, %4svvAw@poBxlL that can be deciphered exactly back to VERACIOUS.


Similar terms of service check box.


"I agree that veracious does not mean dishonest and more importantly, not the number 113 which by itself needs further deciphering and is therefore utterly meaningless."


3). The Jenna Coleman game. Each time data is submitted that is exactly equal to '666' a recording of Boris Karloff will play saying, "Muahahahaha!"


Real Life Survival Kit:
1). An arsenic mirror. These mirrors are still under development, and the technology is so top secret I risk grievous bodily harm mentioning it. For some reason peach pits are going to waste when perfectly good arsenic could be manufactured from them. And....wait. Real science. Skip the part about arsenic mirrors used as a non toxic replacement for mercury. An ordinary hand mirror can be used. If you are suspicious of, for example, a speed limit sign showing the top speed as 52 in a numerology school zone, use the mirror to show the correct speed of 25.


2). A cigarette lighter and a small, pointy stick
To snap you back to reality in case you find yourself starting to believe any of this gematria nonsense.


3). A copy of my book.


4). More cookies. In case low blood sugar is the problem and the lighter or stick don't work. And you can never have enough cookies.