Nancy was playing a game of Strip Scrabble with her insouciant companion Bobbi Boxer when the Bone Phone jangled. Bobbi got excited. Although she dearly loved her girl games with Nancy she did enjoy a good bone once in awhile.
Instead of the Inspector it was Bobbi's Aunt, Nimrhoda. The Inspector and the homicide detectives were at her mansion. A foul murder. A new case! Bobbi caught Nancy up to speed. Nancy grabbed her magnifying lens, hound's-tooth cap, the pair hopped into Nancy's Range Rover and headed to the mansion.
Old legends had told of a ghostly hound that wandered the moors near Basketville Mansion during moonlight hours. Some say it was an escaped wolverine from the Michigan Fair, but many locals believed the ghostly hound was for real.
The body of a streetwalker had been found slashed to bits. The official cause of death was blunt force trauma to the head, but perhaps dog fangs had made the slash wounds? After an hour of intense detective work Nancy gathered the human suspects in the mansion's living room.
"I was immediately reminded of a similar case a decade ago. The killer was one Elwrong Hubbard, author if the book Die and Edicts. As he was constantly stoned on pills and rum it sounded like he titled the book Dianetics. This gematria text was all the rage. Since gematria has no predictive value his book focused on how someone would die and then and edict would be issued proclaiming it a hoax. I believe this is Elwrong's work, as well as the supposed hoax but very real bombing at the Manchester Ariana Greatdane concert weeks ago."
A collective gasp arose from the gathered group. Nancy continued.
"First of all, let us dispense of this Hound hoax immediately. There are no moors around Basketville Manor anymore. They were cleared to put up the PetStupid store years ago. Moors and No moors both equal 80. There is no hound. The perpetrator is in this room."
Another collective gasp.
"What we know is that the streetwalker's body was found on the grounds below the bedroom window. The wounds superficially look like they were made by dog's teeth. But this does not explain the blow to the head. The murder actually took place in the mansion and the body was unceremoniously dumped out the open window. Based on the shape the head wound appears to have been made by the blunt end of a rake or hoe. The supposed teeth marks are actually from an ax! I took the liberty of examining the tool shed. The clean up job of the murder weapon was thorough. Or maybe not....thorough and incomplete both equal 112. Which means we turn our attention to ....the gardener!"
"But I only enter the shed once a week. I don't even have a key! It couldn't be me!", exclaimed the gardener.
"Exactly. Which is why the accusing finger points at who has the key...Aunt Nimrhoda!"
"Oh for pity bulls sake, why would I call you to the case and draw attention to myself?" queried Bobbi's Aunt.
"That is true. I've analyzed the gematria. And figured out the deep meaning. First. A hoe and an ax. Hoe-ax. Hoax! The whore killed with the ax. Ho-ax. Hoax! A hoax about the hound. Hoax. It's all a double hoax. One would think to do gematria of HOAXES. But 'e' is one of the master destroyer letters, being the fifth letter. Because the gematria of FIVE and NINE are the same. Then when you apply the Francis Beggin' Strip S elimination method you are dealing with the gematria of HOAXHOAX which is 96. Since the victim was a lady of the night this is clearly coded to be 69...calm down Bobbi...69 less the master destruction value of five for the missing 'e' is 64. This is the number that drove Elwrong Hubbard insane and turned him into a murderer since True and Bogus both equal 64."
Nancy took a long pull of her iced tea with lemon then continued.
"So after the murder the body was dumped out the open window. Which makes the accusing finger point to...the butler!"
"I swear it was closed the last I saw it! I went in to wind the grandfather clock one last time and then retired from the room."
Nancy was on a roll, "Yes which is why I now accuse the housekeeper since the clock is unwound!"
Aghast the housekeeper stammered, "But...but the butler said he wound the clock. Yet it's unwound.!"
"Ah, but remember. Double hoax. Wound and unwound both equal 77. I don't really accuse you. I just wanted to see your reaction and ask you about the spot just below the window."
"Surely you don't think it was me? I wasn't trying to clean a blood stain, I went to the window and noticed a bare spot in the varnish. I reapplied some fresh stain and left the window closed."
"Dearie, double hoax, remember? Stain and destain both equal 72. Which is now why the accusing finger points at the last suspect, the nurse! I noticed the gematria warning label was missing from Aunt Nimrhoda's medicine bottle. What happened to your Doggscratic oath? What kind of nurse exactly are you."
"Sobbing the nurse blurted, "I confess. I'm a Mormon. We don't believe in gematria medication. I switched the pills with sugar. But I'm not a killer!"
Nancy was starting to enjoy this show a little too much.
"Forgotten already? Double hoax. I had the Inspector run a background check. You aren't Mormon anymore. Mormons and ex-Mormons =107!"
Bobbi interjected, "So it was the nurse? Finally back to Scrabble...."
"Calm down Bobbi. I appreciate your unbearable perkiness at times. But I call you my "Iz chillz gal" because that and insouciant both equal 125. This is a serious gematria case, so no PhraseShopping to make the numbers work."
"Nurse, you are innocent. No harm because of the pill switching. Healthy and sickly both equal 79. There is one suspect not in the room. And I owe it to Bobbi and our Scrabble game for solving the case. She commented about how BANANA and PEACH both equal 33. Which means...The cook!"
The Inspector had about had enough. "Nancy, it's been a long night please get on with it!"
Nancy retorted, " Ah but you are missing the point. First of all, I asked you to gather all the suspects together. Scatter and gather both equal 103. There was one person you didn't have to gather, she was already in this room. And this case is all about hoaxes and confusing gematria antonyms. So that person is the real killer...it is Aunt Nimrhoda. Bobbi, it is your Auntie Nim!"
"Bananas and peaches are quite different but not direct antonyms. When I first saw the ax and hoe grouped together I began to see the antonym pattern. Group and ungroup =77. Auntie Nim claimed to have been away overseas on vacation last month. But home and abroad each are 41. That was your alibi for the Greatdane concert bombing. You must have spilled the secret to the prostitute and killed her to cover your tracks. But your vanity got the best of you and you couldn't resist the antonyms. You are not the dull witted nimrod Aunt. Genius and moron are both 75! And since boy and female both equal 42...Inspector, if you would be so good as to tug on Auntie Nim's bonnet I'm sure you'll find that underneath the wolverine hair wig is none other than, Elwrong Hubbard!"
The only reply Hubbard could muster was, "And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling pups."
Bobbi and Nancy went home and ate Scooby Snacks, watched Xena episodes and finished their Strip Scrabble match. Which is not what you mind in the gutter types are thinking. It was invented on Sunset Strip and you use the values on the letter tiles as your gematria numbering system. Because lord knows there aren't enough different numbering systems. Then they went to their separate beds and slept, enjoying the ambiguous nature of their platonic relationship.
Or is that just another hoax?
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Nancy Drool will return in The Cult Of The Niptuck, aka What Happened To The Real Aunt Nimrhoda?
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