Bobbi Bassett awoke with jerk, that jerk being Officer Mutt Onjeff from Scotland Backyard. She was in a straight jacket.
"Hmmm...kinky."
Officer Mutt said nothing directly to her, but instead picked up his IBone and after punching a few keys she heard him say, "Tell Nancy she's awake."
Groggily Bobbi surveyed the sparsely furnished room, the details of which, just like modern gematria's origins on how it only seems to apply to conspiracy theories, are not important.
Nancy arrived and provided minimal explanation exactly how Bobbi ended up here, just like how gematria only seems to apply to conspiracies is never explained. But in summation it amounts to this:
"Bobbi, we drugged you during deprogramming you from cult indoctrination. You were acting strangely, most notably how curiously unfazed you were about where your Aunt NimRhoda was after our last case. We are headed to Manilla to find her. Between our combined detective skills and your residual memories from time in the Cult we are going to find her."
Detective gear packed, travel Scrabble set included Nancy recapped son pertinent details about the Cult they might find useful.
The Cult of The Niptuck is a Pious Order, obsessed with finding every manner possible to misstate Pi in order to do shoddy gematria calculations. It is known that Elwrong Hubbard was leader of the cult for quite sometime, searching for the secret of immortality. Vague rumors of a living object called "The Big Lump Of Gematria" (Hubbard's B.L..O.G) have leaked, as well as the whereabouts of all those people that didn't actually die (supposedly). But, there's not much info about that. Gematria doesn't explain what really happened to the living or dead bodies, it only reports on what didn't happen.
Manilla, which doesn't really exist except when it makes the numbers work out to what you want them to be, was chosen as the site for their monastery, secret laboratory and fake account manufacturing complex. Shrouded in mystery and the stench of sloppy science it is near Manila, but not exactly. It's...close enough.
After the plane landed the detective pair hopped into a taxi and arrived at a parking lot outside a RoofMart.
Nancy proclaimed, "This is the starting point to finding the monastery. During your drug deprogramming we did gather from your hallucinations that tho haven of meaningless jobs is important. Lets have a look."
Bobbi chirped in, "It is convenient you worked my residual memories in as a plot device. We can avoid the hassle of going through the various meaningless jobs here. The soothsayer's boutique, the RoofMart greeter, the parking lot attendant. We can just jump right into where we need to go, just like gematria presents its conclusion as being obvious without any serious attention to any possible conclusion other than a conspiracy. It's the pizza delivery car."
"Of course, Bobbi! If you have nothing better to do than find meaningless, non-existent connections between numbers that's a perfect meaningless job to have!"
Bobbi said, "Yeah, there's that, but also the logo on the car that says, "I ❤ Pizza Pi."
Nancy agreed, "Right! Now let's follow him, if we can avoid being confused by his circular illogic."
They followed the van, past the wolverine petting zoo, past the lawyer's billboard - "Core Body Temperature messed up? I'm smart enough to help you. I have 37 degrees! Dial 33!, past the 15th parallel marker sign (since Manila is not exactly on the 15th parallel), past the billboard that simply said THE, past numerous other false flags, and then past them all several times more, which is not surprising since there are only so many two digit numbers.
Finally, their destination appeared. The pizza car pulled up outside "Holly Jablonowski's Fake Account Factory". Surrounded by a moat.
Bobbi mentioned how this, too was familiar. But she didn't remember how to cross the moat. "It looks like we'll need a boat of some kind. But there's none around!?"
"Aha, that's where you are wrong!". Nancy had pieced it together. "That bus over there is numbered 49. Bus and sub, as in submarine have the same letters. 227 is the 49th prime, and that makes that bus the bridge between 227 and 49. Bobbi, we're taking the bus."
When the driver opened the door he told them, "Exact change only, Two-Fiddy!"
Bobbi whined, "But I only gave two dollars and twenty seven cents!"
"Close enough"
The factory was deserted. Don't ask why. This is gematria and by now you should be fully aware that nothing needs to make any sense. Bobbi used her newly acquired superhuman residual memory plot device to lead them to Holly's office.
Nancy reminded Bobbi, "This is still a mystery story. We should be able to find a hidden staircase leading to the underground monastery. There we'll find Hubbard's B.L.O.G. and your Aunt. We just need to find that staircase."
"Hmpff..whdyousfay?"
Bobbi had a chewy dog toy. She was busy gnawing away at it. Her superhuman residual memory had gravitated to it.
Nancy pondered, "Hmmm, what do we know about chewy dog toys? Well, at least this one must belong to Holly. And I recall mention that the cult had manufactured four accounts to post on Hubbard's B.L.O.G. the day after he proclaimed he was vacationing to finish his Die and Edicts book. Chewy Dog Toy was one of those accounts. So this is the key. Holly Jablonowski is 203 as is Artificial Intelligence in simple gematria. So, let's go to Holly's computer on the desk.".
The computer was password protected. Something very secure no doubt. Something 8-14 characters including numbers and symbols. Nancy fiddled around trying to force the chew toy into various USB ports, typing in various numbers that related to far better approximations of Pi, Manila's area code, she shrugged and thoroughly frustrated, was on the verge of giving up.
<Beep>
Bobbi had typed in the one word that nobody would ever do gematria on. THE. They were in. Bobbi then typed in OPEN SECRET DOOR. A panel revealing a hidden staircase. A lone figure stood at the front of the door.
"Hey Sooth Tweakers! Hack here! Welcome back. I'm the Curator of this museum that lies beyond. I won't give you any information on why I'm helping you. I'm merely a plot device to speed things up, remind you how repetitive Hubbard's BLOG is, that lots of innocuous things like CURATOR also equal 33 in a reduction method that don't instantly mean "false flag" and belabor the point that precious little in gematria makes any real sense. I can't give you the final answer, but another stairway to the dungeon and Hubbard's BLOG are beyond that.
Bobbi's superhuman residual memory and Nancy's detective work were up to the task. They found the terrorist weapons on display in the museum. 314 is 157 x 2. 2 is the only even prime number. To find Manilla you know that its not exactly on the 15th parallel. 3.14 is 15.7 divided by two. 15 is close enough. There was an AR-15 rifle on display in the museum. The door was obvious, they blasted it open with the gun. Aunt NimRhoda was freed. The BLOG wanted to die, or at least go on a nice vacation to get relief from its meaningless existence. But it couldn't. Because it was immortal since it had no true name. The monks had engineered it to be immortal since the manner of your death is only related to your name. The monastery was burned down and Bobbi, Nancy, Auntie Nim flew home and played a lot of Scrabble.
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